Fallin' from Cloud Nine

You know when you feel that constriction over your heart? It's weird. Even the slightest of holds around the heart can cause some strange emotions to emerge. What I feel is kind of like I lost something and also some sort of confusion. I don't know what to think of this; it's very unfamiliar to me. Very foreign. I can't help but to feel this way because even when I don't focus on the negative aspects of everything, the constriction occurs then just lingers. With all of the hurt and pain I had to deal with almost two weeks ago, I feel a whole lot better. I guess I may be feeling the aftermath. I've never dealt with this caliber of a situation.

The constriction isn't always there, but when it is there, it feels like it's been there for an eternity. Then, I just sleep it off. Every day I'm able to sleep it off, 0.5-1% of that feeling goes away. But when he's there with me, it just vanishes into thin air. Every day, my heart is patched up just a tiny bit more. I feel like a dedicious tree... in the middle of the forest, alone... growing back one leaf one day at a time. Honestly? I kind of want to cuddle for 24 hours straight. I am very aware that the aftermath of this kind of anguish and sorrow will take quite some time before it has completely run its course, but because of everything, it made me realize that... I don't know how strong I am anymore. This was not the bottom I wanted us to hit, but maybe--just maybe--this is a true test of our relationship, our love, our sacrifices.

He feels disgusted, weak, immature. I feel weak... almost lifeless sometimes. Maybe, this is our ultimate conquest before we take the final Leap of Faith. If we can hold each other through this, we can make it. We got through probably one of the hardest parts of this: the initial unveiling of the secrets. The most bipolar part of the test--ugh! It was terrible. But we're both still alive, haha. We can do this; I believe in us. It's just that at times, I don't believe in myself, and I need that encouragement from him. I just want to know if my wings are still behind me....

After all of this, I still think he is the one. He is one of the strongest people I know, and most likely the strongest man I've ever known in my entire life. He has a huge grip over my heart, and he soothes me no matter what he does. He's sweet, incredibly smart, sexy, handsome, charming, colorful, strange, weird, endearing, and... strong. I breath because of him; he is the wings on my back. He lets me fly with the power he gives me from his love. I can't imagine being in love with a more perfect man.

I know that he doesn't feel like he is worth almost anything, and he may not feel like he is a human anymore. However, we all make mistakes. And sometimes, we have to make ourselves hit rock bottom before we allow ourselves to see what we truly have to live for. It is always a harsh climb back up, if we have to take that route... but it's well worth it in the very end if we're able to get back to the top. It may not seem reachable at first, but with some support and love, the days will go by... easier and more adventurous than ever. Every day is a journey. A difficult one--one worth fighting through. We have one life; with the recent events we've all had to deal with, we can't afford to lose anything that is close to our hearts so easily. The precious is what keeps us going. We cannot afford to lose anything right now. We may be weak now, but together, we are a force to be reckoned with. We will hold each other up and push forward--physically or spiritually.

We will be stronger.



Autumn <3