Soooooo... my first official blog post in a few years. I kind of miss doing this--expressing my emotions and thoughts only to look back on them and think, "What the hell happened?" Haha. I'm an odd soul; sometimes, I don't even know what to do with myself. I like that, though. Being lost or confused isn't always a negative thing. It may help to bring a brand new adventure to your life. And my life has definitely been an adventure lately.
Getting my license and my car was one of the most ridiculous things I've ever done in my life. Some illegal stuff, some retarded stuff... some switched numbers, too much paperwork, little food, little water, LOTS and LOTS of adrenaline, 6+ hours of walking... but in the end, I got what I wanted and needed. I'm a licensed driver with my own car. Now, my only hump to get through now is registration--the DMV. I'm not looking forward to that trip at all. Ugh!
Hmmm. I guess I'm not too worried about it. There's something else I'm not too worried about, either, but I am worried about my thoughts. His name is James. We've been through a bunch... and I mean a bunch. We broke up June 5 last month, which broke off our engagement. Somehow, we couldn't make it where we were. Everything about our relationship in the last couple months determined that things were going to be held back. A lot of it, I felt, was my fault. Although my wings weren't fully spread, I didn't let his wings expand either. And he felt that in his heart. It made me feel so guilty; our break was, in its purest essence, a great event. I'm actually quite thankful for it. I don't know what the future will hold for us, but I know we will enter that future together.
Being with him is like a dream... sicle. Haha, just kidding. Maybe. Anyway. I constantly miss him, but I have to tell myself, "I need to let him be a soaring Eagle." He almost was--we almost were together--but things started to break down. Now, it's time for a different approach. (I will explain more about the situation a little bit more in later posts, but I'm just putting down my thoughts as they come out.) I honestly don't think my heart can live without him. He's the song that secretly whispers through my heart without me asking for it. When my heart was mute for the 1 1/2 months we were broken up, I felt numb, silent... dead. My heart lost its purpose to beat because it lost the song. The song it was beating to. But I'm a fighter. I can't just step down and let the failure occur. I have to fight--fight for what I truly love. And I love him. I will always fight for him.
Well, that's all I have for now. If I get overwhelmed with other thoughts, I'll make another post, haha.
Autumn <3
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